PAM awards should have died quietly, dignity intact-ish

              The pearl of Africa music awards had gone through so many postponements and controversies in the last two years that even if one wasn’t a fan, one just had to tune in to see how it would all go. Early discontent among musicians in as far as the categories were concerned should have warned us of things to come, but we were determined to hope for the best so we continued to look forward to the show.

 Roger Mugisha and Kazoora as MCs allayed some of our anxieties. One may be a shady pastor and the other an all around annoying Jam Agenda presenter, but at least they were capable of pulling off a classy show. That was before the third presenter made a grand entrance in the form of the ever controversial Straka, channeling Molly and Paul nursery school children in a lime green pinafore  uniform complete with white socks pulled up to her knees. From there, the show did not just go downhill; it galloped down the slopes like the devil himself was after it.

Straka decided early on that she was the only person worth presenting and went on to hog the MC-ing duties for the rest of the night. With no Roger and a struggling to be noticed Kazora, the show quickly turned into an Ekigunda of sorts. Then there was the disturbing issue of absenteeism (is this an English word? sounds wrong to me) of most of the musicians who am convinced made up trips abroad so they would not have to attend. At least they were polite enough to send representatives in case they won, with the most bizarre of them all being Lilian Mbabazi who helped Radio and Weasel collect their award. I mean, it’s one thing to be impregnated by one of them, but to actually be proud of it?( Also, thanks for spoiling the song Vitamin for me forever. Every time I watch it these days am always wondering, is this when it happened?)

And don’t get me started on the technicalities of the show. The sound-horrible; the picture quality-embarrassing; and as for that curtain that separated the stage and back stage…At least it kept giving us the giggles as people would get entangled in it. Also, was there no easier way to get to the stage? Was it really necessary for people to go all the way to the back, climb up those unbelievably steep stairs (by the way people kept climbing them, they looked stiff) and then get stuck in the said curtains before finally receiving their awards? It would have been so much easier if they had just jumped down after.  Seriously, what’s a broken leg here or an imputed arm there compared to the risk of breaking one’s neck in case one stumbled down those steps?

I watched about four or five of the performances- Navio was alright(and am still pissed that he was not nominated for artist of the year,btw); am sure no one was impressed by Cindy’s outfit-if you decide to wear overalls for your performance,then please do us all a favor and refrain from  a sexy dance routine; Namubiru, all pregnant and gyrating left, right and center with her legs apart was just a disturbing sight;  a gorgeous and  made up Judith Babirye gave a heartfelt performance, which would never have been witnessed at PAM awards had she decide to remain with the psycho ex husband of hers.(This isn’t strictly related to the topic but I find the fact that Judith Babirye once had  a vision about her ex husband turning into a blood sucking vampire-the blood being hers-very interesting. This was during their engagement period. And she still went ahead and married him. The power of love, eh?)

Judith Heard-forever 21, or is she 24 these days- wore a white jumpsuit and because no one gave a rat’s ass,  decided to become one of Irene Namubiru’s queen dancers .We still didn’t care. Jamal, for whom I am a great well wisher, disappointed me when while accepting his award, decided to go the way of the Jamaican accent that so many of the dreaded artists think is fashionable. We all know you’ve never gone to Jamaica so stop annoying us. On a related note, this is why I like Rabadaba. He has dreads, his songs are obviously influenced by Jamaica, yet when he speaks English, there’s no pretentiousness. Not even a hint of the American-ish accent that Jam Agenda presenters are ever so fond of. Except Charles Oimuke.

In the end, even I couldn’t sit through that much amount of BS as some parts of that show were truly cringy-like when Straka had the humpty dumpty fall.

Ps-what happened to the Vision Music Awards? Were they ever real or was I so desperate for a legitimate music awards show that I made them up?

Pps-Apparently I love being appalled, so, can someone please tell me when Uganda’s Next Top Model airs, and on which channel?

Pps-another Ugandan show worth checking out is Mukyala Mugerwa (spoiler alert-lots of kissing. Not that am into that stuff. Aren’t you curious about how a make out sesh between Ugandans on TV goes? No? Oh wells, just me then..) .it’s on Tuesday 10:30-ish on NTV.

RESTORE YOUR VIRGINITY THE 17TH CENTURY WAY-the hairpin.com

Picture it: London. 1624. You got a little carried away with John Donne, who recited “The Flea” at you until you succumbed. But! Your wedding to a cheese merchant is in a week. He expects you to stain the sheets. What do you do?
You dive into the market for born-again virgins, that's what. Hymenorraphy! How to bleed with sex, even if it's not your first time. If you were a 1620s woman, your Cosmo subscription wouldn't tell you to gird your DH's loins with scrunchies or doughnuts. It wouldn't tell you What Guys Wish You Knew. Instead of offering 75 Crazy-Hot Sex Moves, it would lure you with 101 Ways to Bleed (He'll Never Know!). Features might include ways to delay your wedding day till that time of the month (fake greensickness), DIY blood-capsule projects, and above all, How to Get That Hymen Back in Place. Now, you'd be hard-pressed to find a doctor to perform reconstructive surgery for a one-time hymen-mending event. This isn't the twenty-first century. Luckily, these aren't the dark ages: the seven-day diet has been invented, and can help.
Not only can it help, it can make your hymen as good as new. Your seven-day Revirginifying Diet is below. It's what every fallen woman needs, the pancake to her shame syrup. This broadside ballad was printed sometime around 1624 and written by a humorist who would come back reincarnated as Roald Dahl and write it again — losing the virgin angle for the sake of The Children — as George's Marvelous Medicine. The ballad-writer was a kinder, simpler Roald who, instead of making the misbehaving harridan disappear to universal relief (this is known as treating the symptom), tried to help “silly Maidens” fix the source of their grumps: their tattered unvirginal netherbits.
Our narrator starts off moonily trying to invent something, anything, when he “smells” out a medicine that restores hymens in the first stanza. You're skeptical, and you're right to be. Because this isn't just a medicine. It's a lifestyle. The lady should cut all roast meat and sod* out of her diet. No sod sandwiches for you, 1620s Liz Lemon! Nor should she bake — gluten is out, eel slime is in (strain it through a ladder for best results). The enterprising revirgin can and should listen to music.
Full text below, with modernized spelling and the best parts in bold. Make sure you have all the ingredients before you start. Those who "in their Virginitie amisse somwhat fell" will need a Spanish friar's fart and, unless they have a good supplier, will have to tan their own Louse leather.
Once busy in study betwixt night and day,
with choice of inventions I had in my mind,
And many odd matters my mind did assay,
but any to please me I could not well find:
then suddenly casting the nose in the wind,
I smelt out a Medicine both precious and plain,
How to help silly Maidens that had been somewhat kind
to get by good order their Maiden-head again.
First the Maid must be brought into a sleep,
for three hours together before she awake,
And seven days after this diet must keep,
with these kind of compounds the which she must take,
She must eat neither roast-meat, sod, neither bake,
but all kind of dainties she must refrain,
save only this medicine, the which if she take,
then it will restore her Maiden-head again.
The first day give her the slime of an Eel,
blown through a Bag-pipe with the wind of a bladder,
with two or three turnings of a spinning wheel,
boiled in an Egg-shell, and strained through a ladder:
The tongue of an Urchin, the sting of an Adder,
boiled in a blanket in a shower of rain,
With seven notes of music to make her the gladder,
and it will restore her maiden-head again.
The second day give her the peeping of a Mouse,
with three drops of thunder that falls from the sky,
And temper it with three leaps of a Louse,
and put therein three skips of a Fly,
With a gallon of water of a Widow's eye,
that weeps for her husband when death hath him slain,
Let her take this medicine and drink by and by,
and it will restore her maiden-head again.
The third day give her the chattering of a Sparrow,
roasted in Mitten of untann'd Leather,
Give it her with the rumbling of a wheel-barrow,
and baste it with three yards of a black Swans feather,
The juice of a Whetstone thereto put together,
with the fart of a Friar brought hither from Spain
Let her lay all these in an ell of Louse leather,
and lay warm her belly to help her great pain.
The fourth day give her the song of a Swallow,
well tempered with Marrow wrung out of a log,
With three pound and better of Stock-fish tallow
hard fried in the left horn of a Butchers blue dog,
With the gaggling of a Goose, & the frisks of a Frog
the bill of a shovel, or a Humble-bee's brain:
Give her this tasting, with the grunting of a Hog,
and it will restore her mayden-head again.
The fifth day give her betwixt eight a clock and nine,
Some gruel of Grantum made for the nonce,
The brains of a birdbolt powdered very fine,
and beat in a Morter of Ginne-wrens bones,
Boiled in a nut-shell betwixt two mill-stones:
with the guts of a Gudgin before she be staine:
Let her be sure to drink all this at once,
and it will restore her maiden-head again.
Now mark well the sixth day what must be her trade,
she must have a Woodcock, a Snipe, or a Quaile,
Bak'd fine in an Oven before it be made,
and mingle it with the blood of a Snaile,
With four or five Inches of a Jack-an apes tail:
what though for a while it put her to paine,
Yet let her take it without any faile,
and it will restore her maiden-head again.
The seventh day give her a pound of Maid's moths,
braid in a basket of danger and blame,
With conserves of Coleworts bound in a box,
to comfort her stomach with the syrup of shame:
Although she be past all hope of good name,
and unto her honesty a very great stain.
Let her take it to remedy the same,
and it will restore her maiden-head again.
Lo these are our Medicines for Maidens each one,
which in their Virginity amiss somewhat fell,
Pray you if ever you hear them make moane,
and gladly would know the place where I dwell,
At the sign of the Whip and the Egg-shell,
near Pancake alley on Salisbury Plain,
There shall they find remedy using this well
or else never to recover their maiden-head again.
*Boiled meat, back in 1618.
Lili Loofbourow is a writer living in Oakland. She writes about 17th-century ideas of reading and digestion, cognitive science, Chile, and femscularity. She blogs for Ms. Magazine and as Millicent over at www.millicentandcarlafran.wordpress.com

   Here is a shocker- Mao is pissed that people keep calling Museveni 'Pakalast'. At a recent rally, the DP president ranted off,
        'I am amused when I hear people screaming ' Museveni Pakalst'.Where is Mobutu (DRC president)? Where is Amin ( former Ugandan president)? Amin used to call himself conqueror of the British empire, field marshal, life president and many other things. But when time came, he went. But when time came, he went. He even died an ordinary citizen'. Museveni is the last breed of the post independence presidents we are left with. When time comes, will Museveni defy God's call? Will he tell God wait since he is 'Museveni Pakalast'?Only God is pakalst. God has kept me all this time because he knew i had a purpose to fulfill'
    Am assuming 'You want another rap' is not a personal favorite of his then.

  The all important date for the Young Achievers' Awards has been set. On 3rd December, all roads will lead to Serena Hotel. Well, not all roads as attendance is by invite only, which is a good thing as we don't have to fear that Straka will show up unannounced in a lime green pinafore uniform.
  On its website, Young Achievers Award is described as an initiative designed to create a platform for harnessing talent, showcasing excellence and innovation among Ugandans citizens aged between 18-35 years,and equally inspire others to get involved and pursue their dreams.
   Categories include:
 1. Young Achiever -Vocational Skills Construction
This category recognizes Young people who stand out using skills and other resources to offer services needed in housing and construction industry and support services or products in the industry. For example Construction manufacturers, Masons, Roofers, Plumbers, Carpenters, Electricians, Painters, Fabricators, Machine attendants

2. Young Achiever - Vocational Skills Hospitality
This category recognizes Young people who are engaged in the hospitality industry as way of creating opportunities for themselves and others. Those who are involved in tourism and travel business and are promoting the natural beauty of the country. The category also recognizes those who sustain the tourism business in tours and travel, hotel and restaurant business etc

3. Young Achiever -Vocational Skill Agriculture
This category gives recognition to outstanding youth engaged in the innovative farming practices for example farmers, agricultural scientists, and agro-entrepreneurs with excellent ideas that have developed long term benefits to the sector. E.g. Poultry, Bee keeping, Horticulture, Dairy, Fishing, Butchers, Livestock, etc

4. Young Achiever -Business and Trade
This category recognizes achievers in the business sector. Those involved in merchandise, trading, procurement or retail business. E.g. Import, Export, Distribution, Wholesale, Retail, Transportation, wedding planners, decorators, Airtime distributors, Cleaning services, Consultants, Advertising, Security services, Event management, etc

5. Young Achiever -Journalism
This category includes young journalists in print and electronic media who cover the news stories. It is aimed at encouraging, promoting and recognizing excellence in African journalism as well as reinforcing the importance of the journalists’ role in Uganda’s development. E.g. Print, radio, TV, bloggers, reporters and media entrepreneurs.

6. Young Achiever- Social Entrepreneurs
This category recognizes individuals with innovative solutions to society’s most pressing social challenges. This category includes for profit and not for profit ventures, youth leaders/Activists in the social and political realm. These individuals use entrepreneurial principles to organize, create, and manage a venture or campaign to cause positive social changes. They work through non-profits and citizen groups. They include NGO’S, Social businesses, social professionals etc.

7. Young Achiever -Corporate and Professionals
This selection of young achievers includes independent contractors, consultants or even those within corporate organizations whose work is remarkable within those structures. They provide professional services based on skill, excellence, knowledge, reputation, ethics, and creativity. E.g. accountants, actuaries, appraisers, archaeologists, architects, attorneys, brokerage firms, business consultants, business development managers, copywriters, engineers, law firms, physicians, public relations professionals, recruiters, researchers, real estate brokers, translators.

8. Young Achiever -Art, Fashion and Design
This category celebrates outstanding achievement that reflects the powerful convergence of art, fashion and design. It is set to showcase the very best work and provide an unrivalled source of creative inspiration and art works. E.g. Beauticians, Handicrafts , sculptors, Art and design, Fashion, Poets, Writers, Drawing/Graphic Arts, Photography, Graffiti artists.etc

9. Young Achiever -Music and Entertainment
This category recognizes Young achievers who have excelled in Music and entertainment industry in recognition for their creativity and talent in the areas of music, film, theatre, dance and Djs. This category creates and provides a suitable promotional platform for young Ugandan musicians and entertainers. E.g. Musicians, Comedians, Drama, Dancers.

10. Young Achiever –Sports
This category recognizes the achievements of those teams and individuals who symbolize the very best in sports. This also caters for those individuals who have made a significant contribution to the growth and development of sports in Uganda. For example Athletes, Sports and Games players, Sports Entrepreneurs, Sports Administrators and Managers etc.

11. Young Achiever- I.C.T Solutions
This category recognizes information communication technology innovations that serve the needs of our community. ICT Achievers provide a full range of technology solutions from private PC sales right through to development of corporate and education software solutions and communications networks. These individuals and businesses, have a wealth of knowledge and experience with software, hardware, networking, server technologies and security.

12. Young Achiever of the Year
Chosen from all the nominees, the Young Achiever of the Year possess the appreciation of innovative business process, business excellence and overall leadership success and are selected on the qualities of mentorship, inspiration, demonstrate the ability to cross national boundaries to discover new ideas at the intersection of cultures and disciplines and provides an opportunity to learn each other’s entrepreneurial policies, abilities and practices.

Special Awards
13. “Young Achiever’s Heroes/Heroines Award”
This category caters for the young individuals, who have made tremendous self sacrifice for the good of others.

14. “A Lifetime Achievement Award”
For the outstanding senior citizen who has greatly achieved and inspired the young generation to desire for change and a better life, work for it and appreciate the consequences for the processes involved. It also recognizes those that have made great sacrifice and service towards Nation building.
     The full list of names of people nominated is yet to come out.
 

One year since kazini's death

    Its been one year since the much publicized and scandalous death of Major General James Kazini rocked the nation. In his newspaper tribute, he is described as an exemplary husband, father and special friend. Exemplary father and special friend, yes? Exemplary husband? Really? I don't want to point out the fact that Kazini was killed by a prostitute but the exemplary husband bit caught me completely off guard. Perhaps whoever wrote this memorial tribute was going for those pun intended moments? Either that or Kazini's wife has a really good sense of humour. But who am I to judge? Am only a spectator looking in from the outside. I can't possibly begin to grasp the dynamics of their familial relationships. Besides, its been one year already so may be time really does heal all wounds, as well as the memories of that horrible day and Driwaru, so that only the really good ones are left