PAM awards should have died quietly, dignity intact-ish

              The pearl of Africa music awards had gone through so many postponements and controversies in the last two years that even if one wasn’t a fan, one just had to tune in to see how it would all go. Early discontent among musicians in as far as the categories were concerned should have warned us of things to come, but we were determined to hope for the best so we continued to look forward to the show.

 Roger Mugisha and Kazoora as MCs allayed some of our anxieties. One may be a shady pastor and the other an all around annoying Jam Agenda presenter, but at least they were capable of pulling off a classy show. That was before the third presenter made a grand entrance in the form of the ever controversial Straka, channeling Molly and Paul nursery school children in a lime green pinafore  uniform complete with white socks pulled up to her knees. From there, the show did not just go downhill; it galloped down the slopes like the devil himself was after it.

Straka decided early on that she was the only person worth presenting and went on to hog the MC-ing duties for the rest of the night. With no Roger and a struggling to be noticed Kazora, the show quickly turned into an Ekigunda of sorts. Then there was the disturbing issue of absenteeism (is this an English word? sounds wrong to me) of most of the musicians who am convinced made up trips abroad so they would not have to attend. At least they were polite enough to send representatives in case they won, with the most bizarre of them all being Lilian Mbabazi who helped Radio and Weasel collect their award. I mean, it’s one thing to be impregnated by one of them, but to actually be proud of it?( Also, thanks for spoiling the song Vitamin for me forever. Every time I watch it these days am always wondering, is this when it happened?)

And don’t get me started on the technicalities of the show. The sound-horrible; the picture quality-embarrassing; and as for that curtain that separated the stage and back stage…At least it kept giving us the giggles as people would get entangled in it. Also, was there no easier way to get to the stage? Was it really necessary for people to go all the way to the back, climb up those unbelievably steep stairs (by the way people kept climbing them, they looked stiff) and then get stuck in the said curtains before finally receiving their awards? It would have been so much easier if they had just jumped down after.  Seriously, what’s a broken leg here or an imputed arm there compared to the risk of breaking one’s neck in case one stumbled down those steps?

I watched about four or five of the performances- Navio was alright(and am still pissed that he was not nominated for artist of the year,btw); am sure no one was impressed by Cindy’s outfit-if you decide to wear overalls for your performance,then please do us all a favor and refrain from  a sexy dance routine; Namubiru, all pregnant and gyrating left, right and center with her legs apart was just a disturbing sight;  a gorgeous and  made up Judith Babirye gave a heartfelt performance, which would never have been witnessed at PAM awards had she decide to remain with the psycho ex husband of hers.(This isn’t strictly related to the topic but I find the fact that Judith Babirye once had  a vision about her ex husband turning into a blood sucking vampire-the blood being hers-very interesting. This was during their engagement period. And she still went ahead and married him. The power of love, eh?)

Judith Heard-forever 21, or is she 24 these days- wore a white jumpsuit and because no one gave a rat’s ass,  decided to become one of Irene Namubiru’s queen dancers .We still didn’t care. Jamal, for whom I am a great well wisher, disappointed me when while accepting his award, decided to go the way of the Jamaican accent that so many of the dreaded artists think is fashionable. We all know you’ve never gone to Jamaica so stop annoying us. On a related note, this is why I like Rabadaba. He has dreads, his songs are obviously influenced by Jamaica, yet when he speaks English, there’s no pretentiousness. Not even a hint of the American-ish accent that Jam Agenda presenters are ever so fond of. Except Charles Oimuke.

In the end, even I couldn’t sit through that much amount of BS as some parts of that show were truly cringy-like when Straka had the humpty dumpty fall.

Ps-what happened to the Vision Music Awards? Were they ever real or was I so desperate for a legitimate music awards show that I made them up?

Pps-Apparently I love being appalled, so, can someone please tell me when Uganda’s Next Top Model airs, and on which channel?

Pps-another Ugandan show worth checking out is Mukyala Mugerwa (spoiler alert-lots of kissing. Not that am into that stuff. Aren’t you curious about how a make out sesh between Ugandans on TV goes? No? Oh wells, just me then..) .it’s on Tuesday 10:30-ish on NTV.

RESTORE YOUR VIRGINITY THE 17TH CENTURY WAY-the hairpin.com

Picture it: London. 1624. You got a little carried away with John Donne, who recited “The Flea” at you until you succumbed. But! Your wedding to a cheese merchant is in a week. He expects you to stain the sheets. What do you do?
You dive into the market for born-again virgins, that's what. Hymenorraphy! How to bleed with sex, even if it's not your first time. If you were a 1620s woman, your Cosmo subscription wouldn't tell you to gird your DH's loins with scrunchies or doughnuts. It wouldn't tell you What Guys Wish You Knew. Instead of offering 75 Crazy-Hot Sex Moves, it would lure you with 101 Ways to Bleed (He'll Never Know!). Features might include ways to delay your wedding day till that time of the month (fake greensickness), DIY blood-capsule projects, and above all, How to Get That Hymen Back in Place. Now, you'd be hard-pressed to find a doctor to perform reconstructive surgery for a one-time hymen-mending event. This isn't the twenty-first century. Luckily, these aren't the dark ages: the seven-day diet has been invented, and can help.
Not only can it help, it can make your hymen as good as new. Your seven-day Revirginifying Diet is below. It's what every fallen woman needs, the pancake to her shame syrup. This broadside ballad was printed sometime around 1624 and written by a humorist who would come back reincarnated as Roald Dahl and write it again — losing the virgin angle for the sake of The Children — as George's Marvelous Medicine. The ballad-writer was a kinder, simpler Roald who, instead of making the misbehaving harridan disappear to universal relief (this is known as treating the symptom), tried to help “silly Maidens” fix the source of their grumps: their tattered unvirginal netherbits.
Our narrator starts off moonily trying to invent something, anything, when he “smells” out a medicine that restores hymens in the first stanza. You're skeptical, and you're right to be. Because this isn't just a medicine. It's a lifestyle. The lady should cut all roast meat and sod* out of her diet. No sod sandwiches for you, 1620s Liz Lemon! Nor should she bake — gluten is out, eel slime is in (strain it through a ladder for best results). The enterprising revirgin can and should listen to music.
Full text below, with modernized spelling and the best parts in bold. Make sure you have all the ingredients before you start. Those who "in their Virginitie amisse somwhat fell" will need a Spanish friar's fart and, unless they have a good supplier, will have to tan their own Louse leather.
Once busy in study betwixt night and day,
with choice of inventions I had in my mind,
And many odd matters my mind did assay,
but any to please me I could not well find:
then suddenly casting the nose in the wind,
I smelt out a Medicine both precious and plain,
How to help silly Maidens that had been somewhat kind
to get by good order their Maiden-head again.
First the Maid must be brought into a sleep,
for three hours together before she awake,
And seven days after this diet must keep,
with these kind of compounds the which she must take,
She must eat neither roast-meat, sod, neither bake,
but all kind of dainties she must refrain,
save only this medicine, the which if she take,
then it will restore her Maiden-head again.
The first day give her the slime of an Eel,
blown through a Bag-pipe with the wind of a bladder,
with two or three turnings of a spinning wheel,
boiled in an Egg-shell, and strained through a ladder:
The tongue of an Urchin, the sting of an Adder,
boiled in a blanket in a shower of rain,
With seven notes of music to make her the gladder,
and it will restore her maiden-head again.
The second day give her the peeping of a Mouse,
with three drops of thunder that falls from the sky,
And temper it with three leaps of a Louse,
and put therein three skips of a Fly,
With a gallon of water of a Widow's eye,
that weeps for her husband when death hath him slain,
Let her take this medicine and drink by and by,
and it will restore her maiden-head again.
The third day give her the chattering of a Sparrow,
roasted in Mitten of untann'd Leather,
Give it her with the rumbling of a wheel-barrow,
and baste it with three yards of a black Swans feather,
The juice of a Whetstone thereto put together,
with the fart of a Friar brought hither from Spain
Let her lay all these in an ell of Louse leather,
and lay warm her belly to help her great pain.
The fourth day give her the song of a Swallow,
well tempered with Marrow wrung out of a log,
With three pound and better of Stock-fish tallow
hard fried in the left horn of a Butchers blue dog,
With the gaggling of a Goose, & the frisks of a Frog
the bill of a shovel, or a Humble-bee's brain:
Give her this tasting, with the grunting of a Hog,
and it will restore her mayden-head again.
The fifth day give her betwixt eight a clock and nine,
Some gruel of Grantum made for the nonce,
The brains of a birdbolt powdered very fine,
and beat in a Morter of Ginne-wrens bones,
Boiled in a nut-shell betwixt two mill-stones:
with the guts of a Gudgin before she be staine:
Let her be sure to drink all this at once,
and it will restore her maiden-head again.
Now mark well the sixth day what must be her trade,
she must have a Woodcock, a Snipe, or a Quaile,
Bak'd fine in an Oven before it be made,
and mingle it with the blood of a Snaile,
With four or five Inches of a Jack-an apes tail:
what though for a while it put her to paine,
Yet let her take it without any faile,
and it will restore her maiden-head again.
The seventh day give her a pound of Maid's moths,
braid in a basket of danger and blame,
With conserves of Coleworts bound in a box,
to comfort her stomach with the syrup of shame:
Although she be past all hope of good name,
and unto her honesty a very great stain.
Let her take it to remedy the same,
and it will restore her maiden-head again.
Lo these are our Medicines for Maidens each one,
which in their Virginity amiss somewhat fell,
Pray you if ever you hear them make moane,
and gladly would know the place where I dwell,
At the sign of the Whip and the Egg-shell,
near Pancake alley on Salisbury Plain,
There shall they find remedy using this well
or else never to recover their maiden-head again.
*Boiled meat, back in 1618.
Lili Loofbourow is a writer living in Oakland. She writes about 17th-century ideas of reading and digestion, cognitive science, Chile, and femscularity. She blogs for Ms. Magazine and as Millicent over at www.millicentandcarlafran.wordpress.com

   Here is a shocker- Mao is pissed that people keep calling Museveni 'Pakalast'. At a recent rally, the DP president ranted off,
        'I am amused when I hear people screaming ' Museveni Pakalst'.Where is Mobutu (DRC president)? Where is Amin ( former Ugandan president)? Amin used to call himself conqueror of the British empire, field marshal, life president and many other things. But when time came, he went. But when time came, he went. He even died an ordinary citizen'. Museveni is the last breed of the post independence presidents we are left with. When time comes, will Museveni defy God's call? Will he tell God wait since he is 'Museveni Pakalast'?Only God is pakalst. God has kept me all this time because he knew i had a purpose to fulfill'
    Am assuming 'You want another rap' is not a personal favorite of his then.

  The all important date for the Young Achievers' Awards has been set. On 3rd December, all roads will lead to Serena Hotel. Well, not all roads as attendance is by invite only, which is a good thing as we don't have to fear that Straka will show up unannounced in a lime green pinafore uniform.
  On its website, Young Achievers Award is described as an initiative designed to create a platform for harnessing talent, showcasing excellence and innovation among Ugandans citizens aged between 18-35 years,and equally inspire others to get involved and pursue their dreams.
   Categories include:
 1. Young Achiever -Vocational Skills Construction
This category recognizes Young people who stand out using skills and other resources to offer services needed in housing and construction industry and support services or products in the industry. For example Construction manufacturers, Masons, Roofers, Plumbers, Carpenters, Electricians, Painters, Fabricators, Machine attendants

2. Young Achiever - Vocational Skills Hospitality
This category recognizes Young people who are engaged in the hospitality industry as way of creating opportunities for themselves and others. Those who are involved in tourism and travel business and are promoting the natural beauty of the country. The category also recognizes those who sustain the tourism business in tours and travel, hotel and restaurant business etc

3. Young Achiever -Vocational Skill Agriculture
This category gives recognition to outstanding youth engaged in the innovative farming practices for example farmers, agricultural scientists, and agro-entrepreneurs with excellent ideas that have developed long term benefits to the sector. E.g. Poultry, Bee keeping, Horticulture, Dairy, Fishing, Butchers, Livestock, etc

4. Young Achiever -Business and Trade
This category recognizes achievers in the business sector. Those involved in merchandise, trading, procurement or retail business. E.g. Import, Export, Distribution, Wholesale, Retail, Transportation, wedding planners, decorators, Airtime distributors, Cleaning services, Consultants, Advertising, Security services, Event management, etc

5. Young Achiever -Journalism
This category includes young journalists in print and electronic media who cover the news stories. It is aimed at encouraging, promoting and recognizing excellence in African journalism as well as reinforcing the importance of the journalists’ role in Uganda’s development. E.g. Print, radio, TV, bloggers, reporters and media entrepreneurs.

6. Young Achiever- Social Entrepreneurs
This category recognizes individuals with innovative solutions to society’s most pressing social challenges. This category includes for profit and not for profit ventures, youth leaders/Activists in the social and political realm. These individuals use entrepreneurial principles to organize, create, and manage a venture or campaign to cause positive social changes. They work through non-profits and citizen groups. They include NGO’S, Social businesses, social professionals etc.

7. Young Achiever -Corporate and Professionals
This selection of young achievers includes independent contractors, consultants or even those within corporate organizations whose work is remarkable within those structures. They provide professional services based on skill, excellence, knowledge, reputation, ethics, and creativity. E.g. accountants, actuaries, appraisers, archaeologists, architects, attorneys, brokerage firms, business consultants, business development managers, copywriters, engineers, law firms, physicians, public relations professionals, recruiters, researchers, real estate brokers, translators.

8. Young Achiever -Art, Fashion and Design
This category celebrates outstanding achievement that reflects the powerful convergence of art, fashion and design. It is set to showcase the very best work and provide an unrivalled source of creative inspiration and art works. E.g. Beauticians, Handicrafts , sculptors, Art and design, Fashion, Poets, Writers, Drawing/Graphic Arts, Photography, Graffiti artists.etc

9. Young Achiever -Music and Entertainment
This category recognizes Young achievers who have excelled in Music and entertainment industry in recognition for their creativity and talent in the areas of music, film, theatre, dance and Djs. This category creates and provides a suitable promotional platform for young Ugandan musicians and entertainers. E.g. Musicians, Comedians, Drama, Dancers.

10. Young Achiever –Sports
This category recognizes the achievements of those teams and individuals who symbolize the very best in sports. This also caters for those individuals who have made a significant contribution to the growth and development of sports in Uganda. For example Athletes, Sports and Games players, Sports Entrepreneurs, Sports Administrators and Managers etc.

11. Young Achiever- I.C.T Solutions
This category recognizes information communication technology innovations that serve the needs of our community. ICT Achievers provide a full range of technology solutions from private PC sales right through to development of corporate and education software solutions and communications networks. These individuals and businesses, have a wealth of knowledge and experience with software, hardware, networking, server technologies and security.

12. Young Achiever of the Year
Chosen from all the nominees, the Young Achiever of the Year possess the appreciation of innovative business process, business excellence and overall leadership success and are selected on the qualities of mentorship, inspiration, demonstrate the ability to cross national boundaries to discover new ideas at the intersection of cultures and disciplines and provides an opportunity to learn each other’s entrepreneurial policies, abilities and practices.

Special Awards
13. “Young Achiever’s Heroes/Heroines Award”
This category caters for the young individuals, who have made tremendous self sacrifice for the good of others.

14. “A Lifetime Achievement Award”
For the outstanding senior citizen who has greatly achieved and inspired the young generation to desire for change and a better life, work for it and appreciate the consequences for the processes involved. It also recognizes those that have made great sacrifice and service towards Nation building.
     The full list of names of people nominated is yet to come out.
 

One year since kazini's death

    Its been one year since the much publicized and scandalous death of Major General James Kazini rocked the nation. In his newspaper tribute, he is described as an exemplary husband, father and special friend. Exemplary father and special friend, yes? Exemplary husband? Really? I don't want to point out the fact that Kazini was killed by a prostitute but the exemplary husband bit caught me completely off guard. Perhaps whoever wrote this memorial tribute was going for those pun intended moments? Either that or Kazini's wife has a really good sense of humour. But who am I to judge? Am only a spectator looking in from the outside. I can't possibly begin to grasp the dynamics of their familial relationships. Besides, its been one year already so may be time really does heal all wounds, as well as the memories of that horrible day and Driwaru, so that only the really good ones are left

JACKIE CHANDIRU vs CINDY!

The fix on yesterday's XXL show? Jackie Chandiru vs Cindy. It was frustrating that the girls were playing nice. When asked about a possible collabo,
 Jackie's answer was,
 'Definately!', while Cindy practically screamed,'Bring it on!'
   I was reminded of those period dramas where the women hate each other's guts and while they would rather claw their eyes out, are forced to air kiss  and act like bffs for etiquette's sake.
  GIVE . IT. UP.  We know you don't like each other so why aren't you showing us your claws?
     On the other hand, a studio sesh with the two probably wouldn't be so bad.
Imagine the scenario:
    Jackie and Cindy standing on the studio entrance steps, holding hands and waving to the paparazzi.All is forgiven.They declare that they are almost sisters again.We are touched, wiping tears from our eyes cos its all so sweet.
  Thirty minutes later
     Cindy and Jackie come out of the studio.Still holding hands.Still smiling.
  But
    Jackie's weave is facing backwards, her arms are scratched and Cindy has got a bloody lower lip.

         

                     




Okay, Michael Ross is too vain!! It's one thing to promise some one that your going to take their clothes, its completely another to turn around and start taking your own clothes off instead! What was poor model Meg to do in the circumstance? Speaking of model Meg, I was a bit surprised to her in this video and the others before this.Isn't she supposed in the US by now or does she feel like taking back the statement she made about Uganda not being able to handle her talent?
  And as for  Michael Ross; ama take ama take ama take this oppotunity to ask him to:
    1)stop taking his clothes off. Contrary to what his mirror portrays, he does not look good semi-nude.
    2)coping Justin Beiber dance moves is something even a 16 year old is ashamed to do.
    3) since he is master at fluking other people's video, he should learn to return the favour.He is not the only one who loves taking his clothes off.Even Ngoni wants.

MAURICE KIRYA WINS FDI DISCOVERIES AWARD!!!!

i remember when maurice kirya was first introduced to the masses on that hit track with AY back in 2004.we were all smitten, for not only was he an amazingly talented artist with mad guitar skills, he was hotness ugandan monster sent from above to fill our teenage dreams. he was the next big thing, no question about that.we waited eagerly for his songs to burn up the charts and when he dropped his next single, the saying, 'be careful what you wish for' begun to make sense. maybe 'dress in the closet' was not a particularly bad song, but for some one who had raised our hopes so high, it was an epic disappointment. there was another single after that but it isn't even worth remembering. in reinventing himself, he decided to take a road less travelled, hence the maurice kirya experience, a once a month  live show played by him and a host of other artists which sought to give ugandans a new musical experience other than the local kidandali music.with this new project, maurice was able to experiment with other genres such as rock and soul. currently, his music is a fusion of soul, afro and rnb which he refers to as mwoyo.
       and now he is the Radio France International Discoveries award winner.i first heard about maurice's involvement in this competition on kfm breakfast show when maurice was soliciting for votes.honestly, i didn't think he would win mainly because i don't believe in maurice's music.yes, his instrumentalists are really good, but for the genre of music that he does, his lyrics have always come off as a bit, well, shallow,especially in comparison to other fusion artists like suzan kerunen and tshila.there's a lack of depth and poetry. however,my personal opinion not withstanding, i was really excited to learn that he had won the FDI prestigious award.while his music may not be the best, maurice has been a hard worker whose won't quit,can't quit live music attitude is very commendable.by winning this award, he hasn't brought the limelight on only himself but on ugandan music as whole.
      success was not handed to maurice on a silver platter so its good to see that people are finally taking notice. congratulations maurice!!!

BITCHy MOOD: MICHAEL ROSS

   Every time I see Michael Ross in yet another musician's video I get very sad because I always get the impression that as he is blissfully gyrating away to those dumbass moves he is always pulling and that dumb ass expression he always has that says, 'look at me every one, am so cool!!!', the real owner of the song is singing alongside him with a tight smile while fuming inside and thinking,' WHO THE HELL TOLD HIM WE WERE SHOOTING A VIDEO TODAY?!!' People who are secretly not liked by their friends make me sad.But then again, am only assuming

A VERY DELUDED NICKI NOLA

 Fame is really going to Nicki Nola's head.So much so that he thinks his music has now gone platinum.As in, on show time magazine ,he didn't blink,nor did he bust out and laugh after he had declared that his music had gone platinum.This begs the question-exactly which fairytale Uganda does Nicki Nola live in where music does things like going platinum because the one i know, all we do is listen to music on the radio,watch it on tv and pirate it from one person to another.

RACHEL K IS GROWING OLDER AT A YOUNGER RATE!!!!

   Due to financial constraints, I usually get to read magazines atleast a month after they have come out - cue the City Beat magazine featuring the Rachel K spread.The whole article was about the paradox that while Rachel K is Uganda's reigning Jane of all trades, doing everything from singing, MC- ing, TV and radio presenting to being the face of Pepsi in Uganda, she has failed to make a real impact on the entertainment scene.(btw, I say there's no need for this paradox. Rachel just has horrible songs. She needs to stop pretending that she can write music because if Liar is anything to go by,song writing is something she should never be allowed to do again).
     But whether your pro Rachel K or anti Rachel K, there is atleast one thing we all agree on and its that Rachel K is not 20 years old!Now I know that sometimes a twelve year old from abroad can look like a 24 year old but this is just taking it too far! I happen to be one of those people whose brain was especially created to hold celebrity trivia so let's break it down,shall we:
       In 2002, while talking about her kids on one of the popular radio stations in Uganda, Halima said that her last born rachel was 15 years old. When Rachel k relocated to Uganda and at the time claimed she was 19 years old. So why the hell is she just turning 20 now? And more importantly, when will her 21st birthday be? 2015?